


Doesn't Look a Bit Like Jesus

by imsokyoriosyeh (jesperwrites_norights)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Crack, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Multi, Neo Clown Town, No Beta, NutCrack Tech, Other, no actual straight up sex, no straight sex either, people are immortals, postmodern gods, what the fuck is this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:21:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24714499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jesperwrites_norights/pseuds/imsokyoriosyeh
Summary: So you’ve heard of the Greek gods, Egyptian gods, Norse gods, sure they’re all pretty great. But the gods wih probably the most interesting stories are the Postmodern gods, who you’re never heard of, probably. There’s really a god for everything; vending machines, melted chocolate, glitches in Mariokart… god I hate that bitch.orNCT are immortals, shit ensues, and I couldn't summarize this if i tried. Enjoy!
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Nakamoto Yuta, Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Lee Taeyong/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 11
Kudos: 34





	1. First of All

**Author's Note:**

> i found this gem from 2018 sitting in my fucking drafts and i decided not to abandon it bec its fucking hilarious
> 
> i hope you think so too :>

Okay kids, hunker down right over here on the playmat.

Except for you Jeffrey, you stay in the timeout corner.

So you’ve heard of the Greek gods, Egyptian gods, Norse gods, sure they’re all pretty great. But the gods wih probably the most interesting stories are the Postmodern gods, who you’re never heard of, probably. There’s really a god for everything; vending machines, melted chocolate, glitches in Mariokart… god I hate that bitch.

Yeah, anyway.

Our story began in a neon lit, thot-filled club. At the bar sit two gods who went by the names of Ten and Yuta.

“Two whiskeys. One neat and one on the rocks,” Ten smiled, “Please.”

The bartender, who he’d come to know as Johnny, smiled back, “Sure,” and got to work on their drinks.

Ten turned back to Yuta, “How’s your boy?”

“Win’s doing fine,” Yuta nodded, smiling slowly, “Someone tried to hit on him again today. She made him call for her coffee as ‘brewed chai with soy milk for my girlfriend’.”

Ten laughed, “Humans, I swear. So what did you do?”

“Nothing,” Yuta huffed, “I glared at her, couldn’t do anything, the drink was hot.”

Ten laughed and patted the god of cold drinks on the back, “It’s okay, Win probably still likes your ass.”

“I like his ass,” Yuta sighed.

“Sounds like good ass then,” Johnny interjected, putting their drinks down in front of them, “Here.”

“Thanks,” Ten took his drink and leaned forward, “Speaking of ass--”

“Gods, you’re embarassing,” Yuta flicked him.

Ten ignored him, “Are your housemates home tonight?”

“Nope,” Johnny grinned back, “Kun’s working a night shift, and Taeil’s got a family thing.”

“Good. So...?”

“Definitely.”

“Jesus,” Yuta downed his drink in two gulps and slammed it onto the counter, “Can you get me another?”

“Sure,” Johnny whisked the glass away with a smile.

Ten sighed, eyes following him to the edge of the counter. Yuta followed his gaze and sighed.

“How do you do that?”

“What?”

“How are you so in love with him? He’s human.”

“And you aren’t totally sold with Winwin?”

“I’m not…he’s just cute--I’m married!”

“Barely.”

“You piece of shit.”

“Well, it’s really easy to fall in love with humans,” Ten shrugged, “But I know it’s never going to work out. Great sex is the best I’ll get. I know I can’t commit.”

(The gods here are bad examples. Fling sex never works out well. And if you're married, loyalty is key. Be good, kids.)

Yuta sipped his drink, “You want to though.”

Johnny turned back to them after talking to another customer, smile a little strained. Ten glared over at the woman blatantly flirting with him.

“Yeah. I do.”

  
  


Somewhere further downtown, in a wholesome, family household, two other gods by the names of Jaemin and Jeno are in their human boyfriend’s living room, and have just finished a marathon of all the Twilight movies.

(This is also highly discouraged behavior. Don’t ever, ever marathon Twilight.)

Jeno groaned, “That was such a terrible movie.”

“Disgusting,” Renjun agreed, “I can’t even remember the plot.”

“Well it’s finally over,” Jaemin closed the laptop, turning to his boyfriends, “So what now?”

“I don’t know,” Renjun yawned, “I’m too sleepy to think.”

“Maybe you should sleep already,” Jeno smiled, “You have school tomorrow.”

“But you guys came all the way here,” Renjun frowned, “From Mount Olympus or something.”

Jeno and Jaemin had tried to explain the concept of the gods to Renjun. They’d left out the parts about eternal punishment, but he’d been able to understand that they were immortal, had powers, and lived in an Olympus-like place.

That was all he needed to know, according to those two. But it really wasn’t.

“It’s okay,” Jaemin tucked his hair behind his ear, “Why don’t we sleepover here with you? I just need to be back by daylight and Jeno just has his thing at 3pm.”

“It’s okay?”

“As long as your parents don’t catch us,” Jeno smirked, “You’ll be too busy next week.”

“Ugh, exams,” Renjun nodded, “Okay, let’s go to the room.”

“You want me to carry you?”

“Carry me!”

“I carry you all the time Jae, I’m carrying Renjun tonight.”

Renjun smiled, “Sorry Jaemin.”

“Fine, but I’m sleeping in the middle.”

  
  


Back in NCity, the city of the gods, which was not up in the clouds, but below the humans’ city, at the same level as the sewage, we see Doyoung, with his usual paperwork and documentation. In come Jeno, Jaemin, and Ten, who had spent an entire unpermitted night away from NCity.

Doyoung sighed, “You guys are late.”

“Late for what?”

Doyoung ripped off a sheet of intermediate pad. As the god of record keeping, Doyoung had to record every godly action, and he had to note this coming conversation.

“An emergency divine meeting,” Doyoung replied, eyeing the three gods.

Ten was visibly disheveled, so that was that. Jaemin and Jeno just had bed hair and slightly crumpled clothes.

“For what?”

“The apocalypse.”

“Oh,” Jaemin bit his lip.

“When Yuta came around it had just started. So you guys are really late.”

“Right, we’ll hurry,” Jeno nodded, “Thanks hyeong.”

They took off running, then Doyoung filed the paper under a folder. He brought out the page he was already working on; the details of Ten’s latest night with Johnny.

“I love my job,” Doyoung chanted under his breath, “I love my job, I love my job…”

  
  


Now to the godly coincil-meeting-thingy.

Ten squeezed into the seat beside Yuta, “Hey, what’s going on?”

“They’re about to introduce the possible apocalypse bringers,” Yuta replied. 

“Three humans, apparently,” Taeyong added, “Are the kids here yet?”

“They sat at the back with Jungwoo and Yukhei.”

Taeyong was the head god of their unit, so he took it upon himself to take care of the younger gods. Unlike most unit heads,Taeyong actually cared about the gods in his jurisdiction.

Especially Yuta, who was his husband.

_With all that said, here are the humans we’ve found emitting the presence of the anti-gods._

Three images flashed on the godly powerpoint. 

Yuta’s breath caught in his throat.

_First, Johnny Seo. Raised in America, and now lives in Korea in a seemingly normal life. Save for the fact that he constantly emits godly residue, for reasons we cannot trace._

This was Ten’s human fuckbuddy, who was much more handsome in real life. The godly council had taken some form of graduation picture for his identification, and it was quite unflattering.

“Yuta,” Ten squeezed his fingers, “ _Yuta_.”

_Second, Huang Renjun. His family migrated from China a year ago, two parents and his younger brother, but they are both adopted. His luck is unbelievable, which seems both unfortunate and unlikely without divine meddling._

This was Jeno and Jaemin’s boyfriend. The picture was from when he hadn’t gotten braces yet, and his teeth were still crooked. It was adorable, and extremely unbecoming of a supposed anti-gods.

Yuta felt like he was going to throw up.

Taeyong squeezed his hand gently, “Yuta are you okay?”

“No,” Yuta almost choked out.

_Third, Dong Sicheng. He migrated from China a month ago, and now lives a very frugal life, constantly doing odd jobs to earn money for college. We have a suspicion a god pays him for favors, thus his godly emissions._

“Taeyong I need to go.”

Ten glanced at him, _What are you doing?_

“Okay,” Taeyong’s brow furrowed, “Do you need help?”

“No, it’s fine,” Yuta was choking up, he needed to get out of here, “Excuse me.”

He turned on his heel and ran out of the hall.

He kept running until he reached his and Taeyong’s place, slamming the door.

He fell face first onto the couch. It felt like Taeyong. Everything in this house was littered with a mix of him and Taeyong.

They’d been married for centuries, and Yuta can admit that he’s cheated on Taeyong more than he can count. But this time was different.

Winwin… _Sicheng_ , was different.

Winwin reminded him of a warm drink, like some sort of tea. His smile was so honest, so sweet, but something about him was bitter, dark and strange. But he just made Yuta feel so content, so safe.

More than Taeyong ever did.

Maybe he was the apocalypse bringer. That might explain the magic of him. It made so much sense.

But if he was, Yuta would have to help kill him. And if not, he’d have to wipe Win’s memory of him.

He didn’t think he could do either of that.


	2. Secondly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What do you wear to a date? Do you bring flowers? Taeyong always brought me flowers for dates.”  
> “Don’t bring flowers,” Ten snapped, swiveling around in his computer chair, “It’s gonna ruin the ‘just friends’ thing.”  
> “Just friends?”  
> “Yuta, I want you to have fun or whatever, but you can’t cheat on your husband commitment wise. Taeyong’s a good guy, he doesn’t deserve that.”  
> “He’s the god of emotional attachment, do you get how tiring that is? And it’s impossible that he hasn’t cheated on me before.”  
> “Yeah, but he’s committed. There’s a difference between sex buddies and dating.”  
> “You don’t think I know that?”  
> “What Win wants is obviously not sex. He wants the flowers. Don’t give him the flowers!”

Almost immediately after the meeting was adjourned, Jaemin burst into tears, and Jeno had to drag him home so as not to catch any attention.

Jeno and Jaemin slammed the door shut to their villa.

“I-I’m sorry,” Jaemin sniffled, “I d-didn’t mean to c-cry--”

“Shh,” Jeno pulled him into a hug, “Nana, it’s okay.”

“It’s not okay! I-I don’t want to lose another one. I c-cant I--”

“Nana, we’re not going to lose him,” Jeno said, recited, almost, “We’re going to stay with him, protect him, watch him grow old, let him go to have his own family if he wants…”

Those were the same words he’d said about Jeongin, their boyfriend years ago. No, maybe a century ago. It took them generations to get over his death, to move on.

“I love him Jeno,” Jaemin’s tears soaked through his shirt, “I…”

“I know, I love him too,” Jeno felt his eyes stinging, “Then…then we make him immortal.”

Jaemin stopped shaking. Heck, it felt like he wasn’t breathing by how still he was, “What…he’d have t-to do something horrible. And then he’d have to…t-to die and i-if he dies the apocalypse might start and-and his life w-would have been ruined…”

Jaemin was crying again, shaking, sobbing into his shirt.

“There’s gotta be another way to make him immortal,” Jeno hummed, “An ichor? Or a serum--”

“I don’t want him to be immortal,” Jaemin wailed, “I don’t want him to abandon his life. I just want him to be safe. To be h-happy.”

_ To have all the things we can’t. _

“Okay, me too,” Jeno swallowed, “We’ll figure it out. We’ll make sure he’s safe.”

Renjun is not the anti-gods. He can’t be.

Jeno will save him even if it kills him. Permanently. He can’t lose another one.

  
  


Meanwhile,Yuta has gone to Winwin’s cafe to try and forget abaout the whole council, to unwind.

“You look sad today.”

“Hmm,” Yuta shrugged, “It’s nothing really Win.”

“Sicheng.”

Yuta glanced up as their hands met on his drink, “Sorry?”

“Winwin’s my nickname. But you can call me Sicheng if you like,” Sicheng smiled his sweet, warm smile.

Dong Sicheng.

“Okay,” Yuta tried it out, “Sicheng. Thanks for the coffee.”

“No problem.”

Yuta was about to walk back to his usual table, when Sicheng called out, “Um, Mr. Nakayu.”

"You can call me Yuta.”

Ah, there it was, Yuta’s first big mistake with Winwin, giving his real name. Too personal, he should’ve just stuck to the coffee cup nickname. Yuta rightly felt like an idiot.

“Alright, Yuta,” Sicheng giggled a little, “I'm off my shift early today. At around 5:30.”

“...” Yuta felt like he wasn’t breathing. He really, really shouldn’t.

“So, do you want to hangout, then get dinner after?”

No, no, no, no, “Um, sure.”

Sicheng’s smile brightened, “Okay! We’ll meet here then, at 5:30? So you can come back later if you’re busy.”

“Sure,” Gods gods he was so weak. He looked at the clock; 2:30, “See you later.”

  
  


“Oh my gods you absolute mess.”

“What do I do?” Yuta rolled around on Ten’s bed, “I don’t know how this works anymore! What do you wear to a date? Do you bring flowers? Taeyong always brought me flowers for dates.”

They were both in the bedroom of Ten’s solo villa, the latter listening detachedly as Yuta gushed on about Winwin  _ this _ and Sicheng  _ that _ .

“Don’t bring flowers,” Ten snapped, swiveling around in his computer chair, “It’s gonna ruin the ‘just friends’ thing.”

“Just friends?”

“Yuta, I want you to have fun or whatever, but you can’t cheat on your husband commitment wise. Taeyong’s a good guy, he doesn’t deserve that.”

“He’s the god of emotional attachment, do you get how tiring that is? And it’s impossible that he hasn’t cheated on me before.”

“Yeah, but he’s committed. There’s a difference between sex buddies and dating.”

“You don’t think I know that?”

“What Win wants is obviously not sex. He wants the flowers. Don’t give him the flowers!”

“As if you don’t want the flowers.”

“I do, but I won’t get it. Johnny knows I’m in it for the sex. So is he. He’s not going to date me.”

But the events at the club later begged to differ.

“Do you want to go out?”

“Now? it’s only 9:30,” Ten laughed, “Someone’s excited.”

Johnny laughed, “Well, aside from that. I meant a date. A real date.”

Shit.

Ten stopped, “I’m listening.”

“Well you know. We’ve been keeping this up for a month now. I’m starting to get the feeling you want to, y’know, do more,” Johnny shrugged, “And I definitely wouldn’t mind. So if you’re up for it…?”

Shit.

“Yeah,” Ten smiled, “Yeah, sure. That’d be great.”

Johnny smiled, “Alright, I’m gonna talk to the other customers so I don’t get fired. Meet me by my car at 11?”

“Of course.”

Johnny turned away, and Ten downed his Piña Colada.

Shit.

  
  


Back in NCity, Doyoung glanced down at his current record. There was so much to write about. And eternity only stretched so far.

“Tea, hyung?”

Doyoung looked up, and Jungwoo smiled at him, “Yes, thanks.”

Doyoung took the cup and sipped a bit of it, taking another page for this conversation.

“What’s happening around with the others now?”

“Mm, sex, internal conflict, the usual. Anything to report?”

“Oh, um,” Jungwoo blinked thoughtfully, “Lucas’s crocs are red today. I have two new paper cuts.”

Jungwoo was the god of minor injuries, so he’s to thank for everythig from random scratches to slightly chipped fingernails. Lucas was the god of crocs. Doyoung doesn’t bother remembering why.

“Thanks.”

Doyoung was grateful to those two, if only because they weren’t a headache to record.

  
  


Yuta walked back to the cafe, adjusting his collar, checking his pockets, looking down at his shoes.

And he changed his grip on the flowers.

Gods why had he brought flowers?

Maybe because he loved Taeyong and all, but he could have him forever.

He could only have Sicheng now. Especially if he was the apocalypse bringer.

“You’re here!” Sicheng smiled, then glanced at the flowers, “Oh.”

Yuta started sweating, “Yeah, flowers. Do you not like them?”

“No, no they’re really nice, I just…” Sicheng brushed his hand over the flowers, “I wasn’t expecting them. What kind are these?”

“Estraeldites,” Yuta said, then added quickly, “I bought them from some shop. Apparently they’re  _ magic _ or something. I just thought they were pretty.”

Estraeldites were star flowers from NCity of the gods. They were kept in special gardens, supposedly a weak ward from the end of ends.

Sicheng could touch them, so he probably wasn’t the anti-gods.

“They are really pretty,” Sicheng smiled as he took the flowers, “Thank you.”

“No problem,” Yuta almost sighed in relief, “So, dinner?”

  
  


“Are you hungry?”

“It’s eleven pm,” Ten laughed as he closed the passenger door to Johnny’s car.

“...so?”

Ten laughed harder, “I could eat a whole cow.”

Johnny laughed too, “Let’s get some McDonald’s before my place?”

“Yeah, sure.” 

They went to the drive thru, and Johnny proceeded to order four cheeseburgers for himself.

“You want anything?”

“You’re going to eat four cheeseburgers? Also I’ll have spaghetti.”

Whe they were driving to the next window, Johnny said, “You know for the price of four cheeseburgers, you could get that ripoff chicken meal.”

“Ew really?”

“Exactly, so just get the burgers.”

Johnny looked so smug, Ten couldn’t help laughing again. Gods, he was going to miss this years from now, when he’d eventually have to break up with Johnny so he could have a family and a normal, happy life.

Then he remembered they weren’t even together.

And that Johnny might start the apocalypse.

He was pretty drunk, so logic led him asking, “Do you have anything against gods?”

“Um,” Johnny shrugged, “Not really religious.”

“Not religion, just, higher beings in general.”

“Well, not really. People believe what they want to, and that’s fine.”

When they were past the last window, Johnny spoke again, “Why are you asking all of a sudden? I mean, we were just talking about cheeseburgers.”

Ten hummed, “What if I told you I was a god?”

Johnny hesitated, “Well, I’d say you were drunk, but not completely off the bat,” Johnny smiled, “I’d have to be smoking some really bad shit to deny it.”

Ten felt Johnny’s hand on his thigh somewhere in the dark.

He smirked, “Fuck the McDonald’s. Johnny Seo I want you in me right now.”

“I’m down for that,” Johnny turned the car into the mostly empty parking, “Start getting your godly ass naked, Ten.”

Car sex is gross, painful, inconvenient, and overall a bad idea. Don’t do it kids.

  
  


“Jaemin?”

It was two, and Jeno had already left home to do his worst-hour-of-the-day patrol. He was, after all, the god of 3 pm. Jaemin had still been asleep in bed, he usually slept from sunrise to sunset, because he couldn’t be out in natural light, since he was the god of artificial light.

But there he was, stumbling through the street and an accident away from falling on his face.

“Nana, what are you doing?” Jeno ran and grabbed him by the shoulders, “Why are you--”

“I need to see him,” Jaemin was gasping, “I had a dream, I need to go to Renjun, I--”

“It was just a dream, Jae--”

“It’s never just a dream!” Jaemin growled, and it honestly kind of turned Jeno on but anyway, “Take me to his house now.”

“It’s thirty minutes away. You won’t make it.”

“I can and I will, and you will fucking help me or…” Jaemin stumbled forward, “...Or I will roast you with a…fucking tanning lamp…”

Jaemin needed to get indoors. The moment he was delirious enough to bring out tanning lamps it was dangerous.

Jeno picked him up, bridal style, “Okay, hold on.”

  
  


In NCity, Doyoung sighed and flipped the sheet over, switching out his empty ball pen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> should i put a warning tag bec yuta's a pinky away from cheating on yong? lemme know lol


	3. Third

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I told you last night, in the car. I’m a god.”  
> “Wh--” Johnny ran a hand through his hair, “You were drunk, you were joking, or being kinky or something--”  
> “Is it kinky for you?”  
> “Yes. Very, but not the point."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> been a while since i updated. turns out all that needed to happen to get me writing was seeing wayv in drag and thinking damn, damn damn why am i not writing about these wonderful bois

And now, my sweet children, we will hear our story from the humans’ point of views. Let’s start with Renjun.

Renjun was in his room, reading a cheesy romance novel from one of his mom’s shelves.

He was  _ that _ bored.

Exams week had just finished, he hoped he did all right, but now he was too wound up to relax and needed to read some bullshit.

_ Seriously, how can any guy just pick up their beloved and climb up a tower with them in their arms?  _

There was a knock on his window, and Renjun’s eyes widened.

Jeno was there, standing on his windowsill, carrying an unconscious Jaemin with one arm and holding onto the window with the other.

He was mouthing,  _ Open the window! _

Renjun just listened wihout thinking.

“Get him onto your bed,” Jeno said, passing down Jaemin as though he was a pillow.

He was not.

Renjun nearly fell over before wrestling Jaemin onto his bed. Jaemin was too still, and too warm. He didnt look like he was breathing.

“What’s happening?” Renjun asked, “What’s wrong with him?”

Jeno closed the window behind him and sighed, “I don’t know what’s wrong with him! Idiot was walking in broad daylight like he was trying to get vaporized.”

Renjun never forgot that daylight made Jaemin weak, but he’d never seen it in effect, “Why?”

“He had a nightmare or something,” Jeno sighed, “Wanted to see you.”

Jaemin whimpered a little. Renjun turned to him and brushed his sweaty bangs out of his face. He was too warm.

“Right, windows,” Jeno pulled down and closed all the blinds in Renjun’s room, “Turn off all the lights, I think it would help for it to be really dark. Turn on a fan or somethig, and try to take off his shirt.”

Renjun fumbled for the lightswitch, then dragged the fan to face the bed. Then we went over to Jaemin and managed to take off his shirt halfway before Jaemin mumbled something.

Jeno walked to them, “What’s he saying?”

Renjun frowned, “He said your shift.”

“Oh shit,” Jeno glanced at the clock, “2:40. Okay, I’ll be back at 4, so just try to keep him cool, okay. When he wakes up he might be naseous, so yeah.”

Renjun nodded. Jeno sighed and sat down beside him, pulling him into a quick side hug.

“Hey, he’ll be fine. He’s survived worse,” Jeno smiled, “Sorry about scaring you.”

Renjun smiled back, “It’s fine, my day was going pretty slowly anyway. Go do your godly job or something.”

Jeno kissed him on the cheek then swung out of the window again, the blinds clattering shut behind him.

Renjun wrestled Jaemin’s pants and shirt off, thinking it better to just let him wear one of his own summer shirts and shorts.

He wet a face towel and put it on his forehead, hopig that would somehow help like it did with fevers.

Thirty minutes later, Renjun was reading the romance by the bed, when Jaemin shot awake, sitting up and gasping.

Renjun tossed the book onto his desk and took Jaemin’s hands, shushing him. Jaemin looked at him for a minute, then just sighed and slumped onto his chest.

“Sorry.”

Renjun shifted to hold him up, “It’s okay.”

“I just...” Jaemin muttered, “I keep having dreams of you dying.”

Renjun squeezed his hands, “It’s not gonna happen yet. I’m safe.”

“Yet,” Jaemin huffed, “It’s amazing how comfortable you are with mortality.”

“You get used to it after 18 years,” Renjun laughed, “Jeno said you might need to throw up. Do you?”

“No, I’m just tired.”

“Okay,” Renjun shifted again so he was holding Jaemin closer. He could feel his shallow breaths on his neck.

Ugh, that sounded like the start of some crappy smut.

But he really could. It was kind of relaxing, a reassurance that Jaemin was okay. That was all that mattered to him right now.

  
  


“Wow,”

Johnny and Ten met up for their first actual date in an ice cream parlor near the club. Apprently, Ten’s clubbing clothes were only a little more shiny than his everyday clothes.

“Is it too much?” Ten looked down at his jeans, which were skin-tight, with the sides held together with criss-crossed string in a gap that ran all the way up to his hips. And on top of that was a shiny, loose, longsleeved blouse tucked into ths front of his pants. His shoes were lace up ankle boots with silver soles and buckles on the sidese

Johnny suddenly felt underdressed in his dress shirt and jeans, “No you look great. I mean people are looking but I can’t really blame them.”

“Well, let them look,” Ten smirked and tucked his phone into his black leather sling, using it as a gesture to his whole body, “This is all yours later anyway.”

Johnny had a sudden mental image of all these expensive clothes on his floor.

He grinned, “So, ice cream?”

Ten was a lot more expensive than he was expecting. 

Johnny sat on the bench beside him, holding their shared cup with two scoops of the most expensive flavors; strawberry shortcake and truffle chocolate.

They even had the add on belgian waffles and stick-o.

Ten saw his face when he made the order, “What?” Then he’d whispered, “It pays to be immortal.”

Immortal.

He said it without a hint of humor. Either he was a really good actor, or he wasn’t joking at all.

They took a walk around the city after, each pointing out things they found cute, interesting, or funny. A dog with a furry leash, a boy with a backwards cap so saggy he couldn't see where he was going. They stopped in the park at sunset, sitting by the fountain, still laughing from the baby they saw riding a segway.

“This city’s changed so much,” Ten sighed, “Sucks that I was stationed somewhere else for fifty years.”

“Mhm,” this immortality thing was getting slightly uncomfortable for Johnny.

“And like, this is the best date I’ve had since 1995.”

Johnny can’t help it anymore, “That’s the year I was born.”

“Oh yeah, it was,” Ten looked at his expression and laughed, “Why do you look so bothered? I was joking.”

“You just keep saying things like that,” Johnny waved his hand around, “ _ I’m immortal. That’s been there since the 80s _ . Is this an inside joke? I don’t get it?”

Ten’s smile fell, “I told you last night, in the car. I’m a god.”

“Wh--” Johnny ran a hand through his hair, “You were drunk, you were joking, or being kinky or something--”

“Is it kinky for you?”

“Yes. Very, but not the point. You can’t be serious.”

Ten frowned, “I am. Haven't we been over this?”

Johnny sighed, “We really haven’t.”

“Oh,” Ten put a hand over his mouth, “Oh gods I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay I was just,” Johnny laughed, “Really confused.”

“Do you want to know everything? I can explain.”

“Maybe not everything, just the logistics? Or whatever you want to tell me, anyway.”

Ten looked around, “Well, either way, there’s a lot. Let’s get an early dinner?”

Johnny smiled, “Yeah, sounds great.”

  
  


Speaking of dinner, I wonder how Sicheng’s second date is going with the other expensive immortal, Yuta.

Yes, the second date. Sicheng really, really liked Yuta.

“Thanks for dinner, again.”

“No problem.”

“I swear I’ll pay sometime,” Sicheng smiled sheepishly, “When I get enough money.”

“Dont worry about it, really,” Yuta smiled back, “You want to go anywhere?”

“Let’s just walk around,” Sicheng shrugged. Really, he just liked being around Yuta, he didn’t care about where.

They walked a few streets down to another row of shops, mostly stationery shops.

Somewhere down the middle of the road, Yuta stopped dead in his tracks.

“Yuta?”

“Yuta. It’s been a while.”

Someone was walking towards them, smiling. Yuta’s face was completely blank.

“Jaehyun,” Yuta half nodded.

Jaehyun nodded back, then turned to him, “Is this another not-Taeyong?”

_ Taeyong? _

Yuta squeezed Sicheng’s hand, “He’s a friend.”

“A very close one,” Jaehyun smiled at Sicheng, “I’m Jaehyun, one of Yuta’s associates. Pretty sure I've seen you before.”

“Why are you here?” Yuta snapped.

“My mock thesis defense is tomorrow,” Jaehyun gestured to the packets of coffee he had in a plastic bag, “I’m doing a coffee run.”

“Well you’d better get back to working then,” Yuta turned away and started walking.

Sicheng’s eyes darted back and forth before he bowed slightly, “Um nice meeting you. Good luck tomorrow.”

He walked past Jaehyun and laced his arm through Yuta’s.

“Yuta who was that?”

Yuta didn't reply, he just squeezed Sicheng’s arm, blinking quickly.

“Yuta?” Sicheng reached out to tap his face, only to have his hand pushed away, “Yuta, if you need to go home already it’s okay.”

“No,” Yuta was still blinking quickly, “No gods, I don’t want to go home.”

Oh, so it was trouble at home. Sicheng could understand that.

“Then,” Yuta looked so tired. Sicheng figured it would be a good suggestion, “Do you want to go to my place?”

“... your apartment?”

Sicheng nodded, “No one will bother us there, I live alone.”

It was the second date. They had known each other for a month. But Sicheng didn’t feel any sirens going off, any sense of his not bringing Yuta home.

Yuta sighed, “Can I sleep over?”

“Sure,” Sicheng smiled, “We can watch a movie or something.”

“Or something,” Yuta finally smiled, “Let’s do something.”

“Sounds great.”

  
  


Now back to the immortals.

“Tea?”

Jungwoo was standing across Doyoung’s desk, holding a cup and pot and smiling.

“Yes, thanks,” Doyoung half smiled, “You’re always here at the same time. Are you really not doing anything else?”

Jungwoo shrugged and smiled, “People usually avoid me so they don’t get annoying little--oh shit!”

The cup handle had just snapped off, and the cup fell and cracked on Doyoung’s desk. A shard of porcelain scratched the palm of his right hand.

“I’m so sorry hyung!” Jungwoo fumbled to remove his jacket and dumped it onto the puddle, “I’ll um…”

“It’s fine,” Doyoung laughed, sucking ichor out of the cut.

“It’s not, this always happens,” Jungwoo ran a tea-wet hand through his hair, “Only you and Lucas bother talking to me nowadays.”

Doyoung frowned, “You didn’t tell me this.”

“I… of course I didn’t, it’s embarassing. And no matter how careful I am, it always, always--”

“Jungwoo, I need you to listen to me,” Doyoun wiped his hand on his pant leg, “You can’t help it. It’s your curse, all of us have punishments we can’t help. My records, Lucas’ ugly red crocs--”

“They were blue today. Like smurf blue.”

“Ew. Anyway, all the gods have one. If they can’t respect yours, well,” Doyoung suddenly realized he hadn’t taken note of this conversation, “Then, they’re assholes. You’re a nice person, it’s their loss.”

Jungwoo smiled, “Thanks hyung. I’ll… bring you a proper cup tomorrow.”

“No problem,” Doyoung smiled.


	4. fourth time's the charm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jungwoo hummed, propping his chin on his hand, “You’re looking for the green ones right? I think you took them to the gym.”
> 
> “Right!” Lucas slapped his knee, startling Jungwoo, “Wow, you really remember more about me than me.”
> 
> “It’s a talent,” Jungwoo shrugged, pretending a handwritten bullet journal of Lucas’ usual activities wasn’t sitting at the back of his closet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who's bringin in more side characters instead of doing school work!!!! this bitch isss!!!!

Yuta had spent the night at Sicheng’s place. He’d found that even though Sicheng was the most handsome human alive and had the legs and ass of a god, he was really, really sweet, and had really meant it when he said they would watch a movie. The most they did was kiss.

He came home technically guiltless, but immediately felt bad when he saw the state of the living room.

Taeyong was on the couch, his coffee half empty on the table beside him, his phone and several books open in an attempt to stay awake.

Obviously waiting for him.

Yuta sighed. Should he wake him up? Then he’d have to answer his questions. But he’d ache really badly after falling asleep like this. He should wake him up.

After he changed out of his clothes - they may not be post-sex clothes, but they were still post-cheating clothes.

He ran to the bathroom, wore his house clothes, and ran to the kitchen. He found an almost empty bottle of Soju in the fridge and sprinkled some of it in his hair, put an ice cube in his mouth and drank the rest. Then he leaned over the sink and dehydrated his face.

As the god of cold drinks, it was a trick he had learned to look hungover. It also gave him a mild migraine, made his voice hoarse and his eyes red, so it was really effective.

He cleared a few books off of the couch and sat down, leaning slowly into his husband, then closed his eyes and waited.

After twenty minutes, Taeyong stirred under him, “Moto?”

“Mmm?” his voice crackled.

“Oh,” Taeyong’s voice softened, “What time did you get back?”

“Dunno,” He snuggled in, “Came home, fixed up, saw you on the couch and fell asleep.”

“Ten drank you under didn’t he,” Taeyong chuckled softly, pressing a kiss into his hair, “You up for breakfast?”

“Mm, head hurts.”

“Okay, I’ll make something and bring it here. Get some more sleep.”

“Mhm.”

Taeyong pushed him off gently and walked over to the kitchen. Yuta saw him stretching out his back and neck slightly,but he decided not to say anything.

Yuta let out a breath he'd been holding. He was probably in the clear now.

“Yuta? Is this soju yours?”

Shit the bottle.

Yuta squeezed his eyes shut and didn’t respond. Taeyong must have assumed he was asleep and just went on cooking.

Yuta sighed again. He had to stop doing this, it was terrible for both of them.

Actually, it was terrible for all three of them. Sicheng included

Because any and all kinds of cheating are bad kids. There’s no reward for being irresponsible. But anyway.

  
  


Back on earth, Jaemin was nervous.

He wasn’t sure why meeting Renjun’s mortal friends scared him. He and Jeno had been dating the boy for almost a year. They’de gotten along with him so well even before they loved him. Why would Renjun’s friends be any different?

Haechan, the one in an orange hoodie and jeans, was giving him and Jeno elevator looks as they ate. The one in a blue shirt and dark jeans, Mark, was just talking easily, laughing, smiling. 

Jaemin tried to do the latter. It was harder with Haechan watching him curiously. Almost viciously.

“The arcade’s open!” Renjun pointed across the mall, “I forgot today was friday! Do you guys have money?”

Mark and Haechan replied, but Jaemin could tell the question was really directed at himself and Jeno, the rich immortal teenagers.

Gods, was he Renjun’s sugar daddy now?

“I have enough for all of us,” Jeno said.

Haechan’s eyebrows disappeared into his bangs, “Huh, do you? I mean, I’d never turn down a free arcade pass but…”

“Damn man,” Mark whistled, “Then I guess we’re going.”

Renjun grinned, hugging Jeno by the arm, “I knew I could count on you.”

Jaemin laughed and crossed his arms, “What about me?”

“Oh, don't get me wrong,” Renjun laughed, ”I’m counting on you to win me all the prizes later.”

“Fair enough,” Jaemin put his hand on Renjun’s knee, “Hurry up and finish your pizza.”

The other boys were dressed for the arcade, Jeno was not. He was wearing one of his nicest skinny jeans, which was also one of his tightest skinny jeans. If it weren’t for those he might have been able to beat Haechan into the ground at DDR.

The machine vomited out tickets on Haechan’s side, and Jaemin and the others whooped as Haechan bent down to get them.

Wait, five tickets. Five fucking tickets? Haechan deserved a larger prize for beating Jeno, a literal immortal, at DDR.

Jaemin stopped him, “What are you doing?”

Haechan bitchfaced, “Getting my tickets.”

“No, wait,” Jaemin squatted in front of the machine and tugged at the last ticket, banging on the side of the dispenser.

“Jae what are you doing?”Jeno laughed.

Jaemin tugged a little harder, and another ticket slid out of the machine. Then another. After three more bangs the machine spat out the edge of a ticket with finality.

“Here,” Jaemin passed the pile to Haechan and grinned. 11 tickets for beating Jeno.

Haechan’s eyes widened, “The fuck, teach me how to do that.”

“Sure, at the next game.”

After a few more games, Haechan lagged behind to walk with Jaemin, “You know, Renjun’s a fucking doormat, so I always thought he’d end up with some manipulative bitch. But you guys aren’t that bad.”

“Thanks,” Jaemin smiled, “Well, in all fairness, Jeno and I both become pushovers for Renjun too. Our relationship consists of three doormats.”

“Like a carpet, then,” Haechan laughed, “So, do you have an Insta I can add you on or something?”

Jaemin grinned. Mission accomplished.

  
  


“So how’d you become a god?” Johnny asked.

Ooh, never a good thing to ask any immortal. They were probably a dick in their mortal life, and they have to suffer for it forever.

Case in point, Ten sighed, “I’d rather not tell you.”

“You know I wouldn’t judge you for it.”

“I know, I just…” Ten was not about to tell that, especially not on a fourth date that he shouldn’t even have been on. And Johnny asking questions meant that he was getting invested in him, in  _ them _ .

Never a good thing.

“Okay, okay,” Johnny wrapped his arm around Ten’s shoulders, “Nevermind. What do you want to eat?”

Now, kids, Ten might not be telling Johnny anything but I know you’re curious so I’ll drop you a hint. The more powerful a god is, the more of an absolute titting asshole they were in their human life. Ten may not act like it, but he is a pretty powerful god, and any rational human being would leave him if they found out what he did.

He hasn’t said anything about his life in centuries, so he was just as surprised as Johnny was when he said--

“Thai.”

“Okay. I think there’s a Thai place a few streets down.”

“No I mean,” Ten took a deep breath, “I’m Thai. I grew up in Thailand and only moved here when I was a god.”

“Oh, really?” Johnny blinked, probably trying to school his expression to prevent offending Ten, “Well… do you miss it?”

Ten snorted, “The place? Nah I’m never going back. But the food’s to die for.”

“Then I guess you’re ordering tonight,” Johnny smiled and waved a cab over, “Thanks for that.”

“For what?”

“For telling me,” Johnny gazed at him more sincerely than any fuckbuddy should, “I know it’s hard for you, and I really don’t want to force you to say anything--”

“It’s not your fault, we’ve been fucking around for months,” Ten picked at the straps on his leather jeans, “I would be curious too.”

“Yeah, but if you don’t want to tell me I won’t be mad either. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

At the moment, Ten decides that Johnny is the best date (not boyfriend) he’s ever had.

And you may be even more curious,  _ what is Ten even the god of? _

Well dear children, I can’t tell you yet, for two very valid reasons:

  1. It will be important to the story later
  2. That would be too much for Doyoung to note in a single chapter.



That being said, how’s Doyoung doing?

  
  


Doyoung was used to the smell of the sewers. NCity was under the center of the city above, meaning it had some of the stankiest sewage air possible.

So when Jungwoo came to him with an air freshener, Doyoung just raised an eyebrow.

“I use this fragrance formula on Xuxi’s crocs when he wears them for too long,” Jungwoo wiggled the bottle, “I thought it would help with the smell while you’re working.”

Doyoung took it from him before he could manage to break the plastic spray bottle, “Thanks Jungwoo. Anything to report?”

“Um, actually, yeah. I stubbed my toe and my nail came off.”

“What?” Doyoung made a face that was something disgusted and concerned, “That’s less of a minor injury than usual. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, it didn’t hurt really. But there was a lot of blood. And it’s not just that,”Jungwoo jumped up and tried to sit on the desk, but slipped off and twisted his ankle, “Ow.”

“Careful!”

“It’s okay. Anyway Xuxi left home without his crocs today! He was just in socks! And Jisung, you know little Jisung, I saw him and Chenle playing outside, and he fell out of his turns!”

“Isn’t Jisung the god of spinning?”

“Exactly! It’s nuts!” This was the loudest Doyoung had ever heard Jungwoo’s voice get. Even louder than that time a wasp flew out of the bouquet Xuxi had given him for their seventieth anniversary, “What’s happening to us?”

“I… I don’t know, I’ll look into it,” Doyoung’s brow furrowed, well, more than it usually did.

“You’ll  _ look into it?” _ Jungwoo blanched, “You’re a god of record keeping! You know everything! You’re losing your powers too!”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Doyoung wasn’t about to lose his powers, his pride simply wouldn’t allow it, “I know about everything that has already happened in my area. Clearly this has never happened before.”

“What’s never happened before?” 

Doyoung’s hand stopped writing the moment he heard that voice. Not because Doyoung held any particular affection for it (so he would say,) but simply because it’s a voice that confused him. It belonged to a person that confused him.

“Just a few minor unfortunate events,” Doyoung forced himself not to look up, “Nothing to concern yourself with, Taeyong-ssi.” 

Taeyong came closer and tapped his fingers on Doyoung’s desk, he could tell he was smiling, “I’ve told you to just call me Taeyong before, haven’t I?” 

“Many times,” Doyoung agreed.

Jungwoo looked between them, and cast a knowing glance at Doyoung, “Well, that’s all I have to report. I’ll be going hyung!” 

“Oh, bye Jungwoo!”

“Be careful,” Doyoung called after him, then took a breath before looking up at Taeyong, “Anything to report?” 

“Nothing you don’t already know, I’m sure,” Taeyong laughed, his eyes bright and full of… emotion. Doyoung couldn’t read him, “It’s been a while. How are you?”

Doyoung shifted in his seat. I’m sure it’s obvious, even to you kids, that he’s nervous. But why? Especially in front of Taeyong, one of the nicest immortals there is?

You see, Doyoung’s job as a divine record-keeper entailed two things. One, that he knew a limited amount of information, but all of it in complete totality. And two, that he was forsworn and obliged to tell the truth of what he knew. The full truth.

And that was something he didn’t want to tell Taeyong. But if Taeyong asked, he would have no choice but to tell.

“I’m well.”

“That’s good. You’ve been busy for the last few years, we haven’t been able to hang out as much.” 

“Well a lot has been happening,” The first time Yuta had cheated on Taeyong was ten years ago, with a fling that had lasted for all of a week. But Doyoung had been so pressed to hide what he knew while having brunch with Taeyong every other day. So from then on, he’d put the routine hangouts to a stop.

“Yeah, for everyone except me apparently,” Taeyong sighed, “I guess my powers are just something no one really controls.” 

“I suppose,” Doyoung flicked out a searate page to file this conversation as much as he didn’t want to record his own struggle, “Humans always make attachment so complicated.” 

“Humans and gods both do,” Taeyong agreed, sitting on a chair that had materialized in front of Doyoung’s desk, “Oh thanks Chenle.”

The god of foldable chairs’ head materialized in front of them, giving them a quick smile before disappearing.

“Why do you say that?” Doyoung asked before he could stop himself.

“Hm?” 

“Are you having trouble with attachment?” 

“Oh, no not really,” Taeyong pointed at the pile of peppers next to him, “That’s quite a lot of work, is it all from today?” 

“I’m telling you, a lot has been happening. The gods do all sorts of things once the apocalypse seems imminent.”

“And yet you’re always here at your desk, still working.”

“It’s my job.”

“You deserve a break just as much as anybody,” Taeyong insisted, taked the paper from under Doyoung’s pen.

“Taeyong!”

“Oh now you’re talking casually?”

“Taeyong-ssi, please,” Doyoung tried to reach for the paper.

Taeyong held it out of his reach, “Only if you promise to take a break. Why don’t we have brunch again some time?”

Doyoung stood up for the first time in hours (you should know this is quite an experience, even if an immortal’s muscles cannot atrophy,) and snatched the paper from Taeyong’s hands, “I have a job to do, and I’ll do it even if everyone else has stopped doing theirs.”

Taeyong’s smile grew impossiblly wider, “I really missed you.”

Doyoung didn’t look up as he sat back at his desk, but he smiled, “The feeling is mutual.”

“So I’ll pick you up at 9:30 tomorrow?”

“Sure,” Doyoung wanted to stab himself the moment he said that, but an injury that deep would be detrimental to his work flow.

Besides, Taeyong probably wouldn’t have smiled as widely if he had done it.

  
  


Now for us, we can clearly see that Doyoung and Taeyong are a little tese but are otherwise very good friends. Or are they?

This is exactly what Jungwoo, god of minor incovenient injuries was asking himself as he walked back to his estate. 

Yay! We finally get Jungwoo’s point of view!

Don’t get your hopes up, it’s nothing big.

He tripped over the front step only for Lucas, god of crocs to catch him and swoop him into his arms.

“Hey,” Lucas winked

“Hi Xuxi,” Jungwoo smiled and allowed himself to be carried to the couch, “Whatcha doin’?”

“Not much, just wondering where my crocs are. Can’t believe I left without them.”

“Why are you looking around my estate?”

“I thought I might have left them here after last night. Or the night before or something.”

Jungwoo hummed, propping his chin on his hand as Lucas lifted and lowered his furniture, “You’re looking for the green ones right? I think you took them to the gym.”

“Right!” Lucas slapped his knee, startling Jungwoo, “Wow, you really remember more about me than me.”

“It’s a talent,” Jungwoo shrugged, pretending a handwritten bullet journal of Lucas’ usual activities wasn’t sitting at the back of his closet, “Oh yeah wait, I have news actually!”

“Oh, what?”

“Taeyong and Doyoung are talking again! After almost a decade! Can you believe it?”

“Oh that’s great! Are they dating again?”

“They were never dating silly, you’re thinking of Doyoung and Jaehyun.”

This is exactly what Jungwoo’s point of view is good for kids. Doyoung’s may give us the whole, unfiltered truth, but Jungwoo’s will give us delicious, unverified gossip, which is always more entertaining than facts.

“Ah right right.”

“Those two are super done though,” Jungwo giggled, “But I just know Doyoung has a crush on Taeyong, and he’s probably just not going to do anything because Taeyong’s married.”

“Uh huh.”

“But I’ve never seen Yuta and Taeyong have sex, ever? I’m sure it's happened though they’re both really hot.”

“Yeah. Oh speaking of sex, I think Ten has a new boyfriend?”

And this is why Jungwoo loves to hang out with Lucas. The god of crocs is also an expert at mental gymnastics, and has won every olympic gold medal for jumping to conclusions.

_ He’s athletic that way, _ Jungwoo licks his lips as his eyes trail down Lucas’ sleeveless arm, “What do you know about this boyfriend?”

“He’s as tall as me, speaks english. And he’s the bartender at the place we went to last night, before I came here.”

“What’s his name?”

“Dunno, but Ten seemed really happy talking to him. He was also staring at Winwin a lot, so I don’t know. Maybe he’s with them both? Eh, good for him.”

All this talking about Ten going after tall guys made Jungwoo want his own taste of it, but he was holding back because Lucas was still talking.

“Ten started hanging out with Yangyang and Hendery a while back,” Lucas sat beside him on the couch, forgetting about his crocs completely, “Kinda surprised when they brought him last night. Kun seemed to know him too though. What’s Ten even the god of? Why’s he know everyone? You ever wondered that?”

_ Stop talking about Ten!  _ “Did you have fun last night?” Jungwoo traced the lines of his biceps with a finger.

“Oh yeah, we went to a karaoke place after the actual bar, apparently Ten can sing too--”

“I was talking about after that. You know,” Jungwoo folded his legs under him, “Here.”

“Oh yeah. Your hangover chaser was yummy! I’m down to eat it even when I’m not hungover, y’know.”

_ Okay, that’s it,  _ “Xuxi?’

“Yeah?”

“Can I suck your dick now? Please?”

“Oh sure!” Lucas took off his muscle shirt in one motion, “I can suck yours too if you want.”

Jungwoo smiled and shoved his hands down his pants, “Aw, thanks.”

And that’s all! At least, that’s all Doyoung was willing to take note of. You’re probably thinking, damn, do all of these gods just do sex related things all day? Go on dates, play around with humans?

To answer that, yes, most of them do. But that’s about to change very quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a lot less beta read bec my brains abit overloaded ad i keep forgetting and misplacing members of nct but you know what? i dug this hole for myself so i will lay in it
> 
> anyway hope u like it :)

**Author's Note:**

> if there are typos feel free to point them out, i'll proofread chapters as i go!
> 
> update 12/28/20 currently on hiatus because i've posted all the chapters i've double checked (like a fool) so next one will be up next year?? happy holidays


End file.
